The Secret to Making Someone Feel Special (TEDx Talk Deep Dive) - Sarah Dandashy

Josiah: How did this all come to be?

Sarah: Wow. Okay. I will say it was on my vision board many years ago. I always wanted to do a TED talk. And even like when it comes to, you know, the, my books and I say books, plural, because I, I know I want to do three books. I've done one that's published. I am starting book number two, actually later today, by the way, that is literally on my list to do today is like, I'm going to start working on the outline and fleshing out some ideas, just because I'm home for a couple weeks, which is unheard of for me, so I'm like, gotta take advantage of being home. So yeah, so doing the TED Talk was on my vision board, and I didn't know what I was gonna do one on, at all, actually. But I knew I wanted to do it, because there's so much, to me, it's always that reminder of, we have so much knowledge in ourselves, but because it's so close to us, we take advantage of it, and we take it for granted. We don't realize Maybe how we could just say share something. That's so simple It's almost mundane to us but sharing it in an effective way could actually be so monumental and so Can I just jump in there Sarah?

Josiah: I'm just I want it like for I imagine most of our listeners kind of know what these TED talks are But for those that don't this is interesting to me because you are always creating whether it is across digital media You mentioned writing books on TV, you're always creating, but the TED Talk format is interesting. I guess, what made it appealing to you?

Sarah: Oh, it is so different. And I love that you asked that because I do create content all the time. And I speak all the time. This was very different. This was, I mean, you have to have a highly honed in and specific idea. I actually wanted to do something a little bit more complex and nuanced. And I actually, I did work with a coach because I think it's something that it's really good to be able to bounce ideas off of somebody and maybe help distill them. Especially, you know, for us, I could have a conversation with somebody else in the hospitality industry and we could totally geek out and be like, oh yeah, da, da, da. You know, but then it's like, does that actually relate to maybe somebody that's not in the industry? So what I liked about the coach is that I could speak to somebody who does not work in hospitality and be like, hey, these are some of the key things and tenets that I believe in, that I've learned over the years of working in hospitality. And kind of working together, we could determine what might resonate the most with the average consumer of like a TED Talk or the average listener, you know, that may not be interested in like check-in, check-out procedures. Like, that's not sexy. But it's practical. So, or whatever it is. So, I did work with a coach, which I am so incredibly grateful for because he provided the guidance and also kind of reined me back in. And when I say reined me back in, I had these complex ideas. I was like, oh yeah, you know, like it's going to be But like sometimes people don't need something super cerebral. We just need to distill it down to like the basic things. What are the things that we as humans, and by the way, we can all relate to this because we are in the human business. That is what hospitality is. It's the feelings business. So it's like when we distill this down and funny, it's like we are the feelings business. So then what did the talk end up being? But the secret to making someone feel special.

Josiah: That's so good. That's so good. So I want to get into that, but I also want to highlight the fact that you are one of the top influencers in travel and hospitality. You got a coach, right? So this is an important career lesson for our listeners is no matter where you're at in your career, the industry, you can always get better. So have this learner's mindset. You got help. You got help from outside the industry. You can get help from anywhere. And I'm also hearing kind of that simplicity is also resonating with me because it's almost easier to make things more complex, right? There is so much work, so much discipline in making something simple, but simple is kind, right? Simple is memorable. So if you want to really make an impact, focus on simplicity, which you did.

Sarah: Yeah, exactly. No, I love that you brought that up. And you are never, if you speak to anybody that's successful in whatever their businesses are, they all have coaches in different ways. I mean, you have successful people that, like, they're really getting into fitness. They have a trainer. That's a coach in a way. You know, they've got a business coach that might help them seek outside or what they're already doing. And I'm a big fan. In fact, my favorite sort of conferences to go to are conferences where people don't work in my industry. because you can learn so much from them because they might not be doing the same thing as you, but you can lean like, oh, that's interesting. That's working for you. How can, oh, I could see how that could apply to what I'm doing. So it's all about expanding your knowledge base, your network base, and never being too confident that you don't need a little bit of help. We all need help.

Josiah: I love that message. I love it. So you focus on simplicity. And then I wonder if we can give, again, we'll link in the show notes for people can kind of watch this whole talk, but I wonder if you could share the title of this talk because you ended up with simplicity, but to your earlier point, you also focused on its applicability beyond just hospitality, even though you're known in travel and hospitality, you made something that we can all learn from.

Sarah: Totally. And that's, you know, it was kind of like finding and distilling those thoughts. Like what are, what are those? So the name of the talk is the secret to making someone feel special. And when you think about it, it's what we all do in hospitality. We might not even be able to pinpoint it, you know, but it's how we dissect that. And so really kind of worked on like, what is that? How, how do you make somebody feel special? And it comes down to some, some key points that are also key points in hospitality. They were also in my book as well. But it's about really being present, because then you can genuinely engage with somebody. And your being present allows the other person to really feel heard and connected with them. So you're forming this genuine connection. And then you're also listening to them. And listening to them might be what they're saying, but it could also be what they're doing. And so when we're talking about how do you make somebody feel special, It's sort of disrupting the routine. Now, I think when you first think of this concept, you're like, wait, what? Wait, routine? Like, oh, for me, I was like, I'm allergic to the word routine. I think in hospitality, you almost have to be allergic to the word routine. No day is the same. What it means is it's like, it's the expected. And it's about taking what's expected and doing just something a hair different. And it doesn't need to be these big, grand gestures. And that was another key point of this is that making somebody feel special is not about the expensive dinners, the expensive gifts, like these really elaborate experiences. Yes, of course, that can work. Absolutely. But it's really about finding those simple things acting on that. I think one of my favorite lines is the goal is not to impress, it's to connect. And when you think about that, it's so true. It's so true. I mean, it's easy to impress somebody by, you know, buying this and doing that. But like, if you're really connecting, that is what's so meaningful. So, I don't know, I get so excited just like thinking about it because Another element of this is why I think this is so important for now is we are living in a highly digital age. We're arguably more connected yet more disconnected than ever. And so how do we foster these relationships? We've almost lost this fine art of interacting with each other in person and like, you know, making somebody feel special is not just a like, oh, I like your post. I mean, that's nice, but there's a depth to that. So The goal of this, and hopefully that kind of comes across, is to inspire people to just kind of go back to the basics, be a little bit simpler, and really strive to connect with people, because in that, that's the good stuff. And it's something that we can all do, and it doesn't cost us anything except our time, you know, really, which is honestly our most valuable commodity. But for somebody that you care about, That time is so invaluable that you are willing to spend it on whoever that you love or care for the most.

Josiah: Thanks for sharing that. I want to unpack this a little bit because you have an amazing career story. I'll link in the show notes where you and I were talking about that. One of those early roles was as concierge at some of the best hotels in the Los Angeles area. So I imagine you saw a lot of these grand gestures, over-the-top requests, over-the-top experiences. What happened in your life, in your work, that has kind of shaped your thinking around that feeling of being special, being a little bit more personal and a little more meaningful than just kind of these over-the-top gestures? How have you arrived at this sort of thinking?

Sarah: So the first part, and I love that question, the first part is, so I'm half Lebanese, so half of my family lives in Europe in the Middle East. And then I lived in Saudi Arabia until I was six years old. And so I was born in the States, I'm American, but I lived, and then after Saudi Arabia, we lived in London, and I didn't move back to the States really until I was eight years old. So I was American without ever having lived in America, So understanding, like associating with this idea of what an American is, but being in all these different rooms where people are speaking different languages, so you're having to like read, learn to read body language at a very young age. They have different religious beliefs, and they're all coming together and being able to coexist peacefully. Like, when you grow up as the world in your backyard, you really understand that we're all human and can connect on such a… Like, we just all want to put a roof over our heads and take care of our loved ones, like, create enough money that we're able to live comfortably. And even more basic than that, we all just want to be heard and loved, which sounds so simple, but it's so true. So despite everything that's going on, we just want that. And that human connection is so incredibly important. Now, I'm not saying that when I was four years old, I was a little Buddha and knew all these things. But yet I kind of did because even in third grade when I moved to Atlanta, the teacher would say to my mom that I was the school diplomat. Like, I brought everybody together because there was a bit of division in our school. It was Atlanta from economic division, racial division, and all of that. And so I was always bringing people together. And so I think a lot of that was just something that was always just innately in me because of living all around the world. So that's the one part.

Josiah: Can I just ask a quick follow up on this, because I'm thinking a lot about this recently, about what is the power of hospitality to bring us together, to bridge these differences, to unite us? So you mentioned kind of seeing this as a kid or your life experiences made you think that as a kid, and then you worked in these other capacities as a hospitality leader, hospitality provider, hospitality leader. From your vantage point now, kind of what is that power of hospitality to unite us?

Sarah: Oh, so I love it. Thank you. Because it's about making people feel like they belong. And I, and I think other people can all relate to this in different ways that we all grew up, I never belonged. I was always the outsider, whether I grew up somewhere else, whether I was, you know, I didn't have the accent. Like when I lived in London, they would make fun of me because I wasn't British. whether I was on a different school because imagine as a kid like your math might be more advanced than other kids your age or than your readings behind or whatever it is just because of where you were taking like lessons and when you're going to school. And so I never belonged. I was too tall. I was too this. Mara's arguably still too tall. No such thing. But it's all kind of a part of that. So when you are constantly put in the position where you're, like, not really belonging, you kind of are seeking ways to find connection. And it's like, OK, well, we may be different on the outside because of X, Y, Z. But, like, we are the same this way. And just almost in that sense of trying to fit in as a kid, which so many of us can relate to, I think that that is huge in hospitality. Because we are welcoming people. We want people to feel like this is their home away from home. And what is home? It's a place of belonging. It's a place of safety, like-mindedness, even if it's maybe, you know, not necessarily on the superficial side of things, but, like, really at the base of things. As humans, we are so bound by so many similar wants and needs. So that, to me, is, like, really critical to hospitality, that sense of belonging. And I think that we are really active agents in that. And that's a huge part of this as well.

Josiah: I love it. At the beginning of our conversation, you talked about presence being so important for enabling all of this. I'll be honest with you. I struggle with that because I think maybe it's, I don't know, social media or a digital environment, but I'm a little scatterbrained and sometimes it's hard for me to enter that moment and be present. What have you found useful in building presence?

Sarah: So a couple things, like on the broad spectrum of that is I try to build into my daily life and routine things that get me out and get me physical. Because then it gets you out of your head, you know, especially if you're like a thinker or like, you know. you're, you're thinking about the next thing or this or that, whatever it is. I mean, I chew 100%. Like, I mean, I've got my, we've got our phones next to us. Like if you were ADD or if you were like on the cusp of being it, you probably are now because of how we live with our phones in our hand and social media and all of that. But, um, but I always try to do something physical because that 100% gets me out of my head, even if it's temporary, temporarily. it's a good foundation to my day. And then also putting my phone away. But when it comes to really being present with somebody, I definitely make sure, like, my phone is off and, like, not near me. To me, some of the best interactions I've had as of late, even meetings or, like, catching up with friends, and all of a sudden we leave, I'm like, oh, my God, we didn't even take a picture together. You know, maybe we're in social media, and we didn't even capture the moment. But I'm like, I'm okay with that. Like we, there's plenty of time to capture the moment because I was actually being present with them. And so if we can, something as simple as just putting down your phone or putting it on silent. I mean, I've got an Apple watch, so like everything on me is buzzing at some point. I'll be trying to get your attention. But, but really kind of connecting with them. It's a practice. It's not something that you just get one day and like you're, you're cured for life as far as having a short attention span. It's constantly something that you have to kind of practice. And, but if you're mindful of it and you're aware, I think that that's like the biggest step and that's a first start. But, um, but that's like the foundation to everything, whether it's business contacts, romantic relationships, parent child relationships, and relationships with your aging parents. oh my gosh, to me, to be able to put down my phone and spend one-on-one time talking with my grandmother, like, that is worth everything. So, yeah, that's a big thing with being present. Oh, but I did want to add one other thing that I forgot from before. We were talking about what was also inspiring with this. So the other part of the TED Talk is, you know, it doesn't need to be these big, grand gestures. It's about connecting. And that I really noticed when I worked at I will say, still to this day, it's the best hotel in Los Angeles. So it's the highest hotel, and you deal with people that have, they have access to all the funds in the world. They're in a great place financially, let's just put it like that. And I would see guests that were not happy. And they could buy whatever they wanted. They were good. They were set. They were taken care of. They were giving back to other people. But yet certain things were not fulfilling to them. And so I really became attuned to that, that it was very clear that money does not buy happiness. Yes, you've got people that are like, yeah, well, I'd rather be unhappy and like drinking champagne than like living out of my car. I'm like, okay, to be fair, there's a basic standard that you might want to get. But the end of the day, it's not about the big price tags. It really is just about forming those connections. And that's what matters most. Case in point, you've got super wealthy families that can provide everything for their children. And the parents don't understand, like, why does my child, like, why is there this angst? Why are we not connecting? And then, like, you ask the child, and they're like, I just wanted my dad to be there for me. I mean, classic case in point. So many people can relate to that for many generations. So yeah, that's why it comes back down to connection. And it's not about the big price tag. So that's another aspect of this TED Talk.

Josiah: Amazing. I'll encourage everyone listening, watching this to check out the talk, include links in the show notes. So I feel like you're creating across so many platforms, you're working on so many projects.

Sarah: Yeah.

Josiah: And as we're adding links down there, is there any other places that we should link to encourage people to check out?

Sarah: Yeah, definitely. I mean, I would always say you can check out my website, which is the best place to find out everything that I'm working on, because I'm working on a lot, which is askaconcierge.tv. I also recently did a really fun series with my dear friend, Anthony Melchiorri. We worked, we partnered with the team over at Curator Hotels and Resorts. So that was fun. So if you're looking for a little bit of entertainment in the hospitality space, that was really cool to have that fun collaboration with him. But those videos are out there. They're actually on my YouTube. So you can go to Ask a Concierge on YouTube and find it there.